Lately I've been considering deleting my Facebook page - not the blog one, my personal one. I enjoy it less and less nowadays and find myself too often wanting to make a snarky comment on a perfectly innocent, albeit annoying post. The kind of which I'm certainly guilty of making too. The latest last straw for me was a newlywed professing to have the secret to a happy marriage. A newlywed with no children, lots of money, surrounded by friends and family. Now I'm perfectly aware that we don't know people's struggles, especially when it comes to the internet. Most portray the positive and hide the dirty stuff, which I understand. That's not how we roll around here, but I understand it. But if you think for one second that that vague Pinterest quote about falling in love with loving yourself while loving them loving you, or whatever the hell it said has anything to do with a happy marriage, you're in for a rude awakening 6 years, 2.5 kids, and an economic downturn from now. Until you've been unhappy in a marriage, it's hard to know what it takes to be happy in a marriage. Since my husband and I have had our share of happy and unhappy times, and 12 years later neither of us are dead, in jail, or divorced, I'm going to share my secrets for a happy marriage. Take notes.
1. Don't cheat on the other person. Men will hold the hurt inside and cheat on you back, and women will punish you for the rest of your life.
2. Don't live in separate states. It's a stupid idea. Just don't do it.
3. Don't lie. When you spend as much time as married people spend together, it's highly unlikely your lie isn't going to get found out at some point. And once you lie about something, we'll assume you're lying about everything from the color of your socks to where you were when you claimed to be going out to buy milk....even if you come back with a gallon of milk.
4. Recognize your spouse on holidays. Even if you think it's stupid. Even if everyone agrees that it's an excuse for retailers to drive up the price of flowers and chocolates. Don't force your wife to sit at a table of her girlfriends and make excuses for why you forgot Valentine's Day, their Anniversary, or her birthday.
5. Take care of your husband. In many ways men are like small children. Pick up his dry cleaning, keep the kitchen stocked with the foods he likes, and buy him new underwear when he needs it.
6. Have sex. Even if one of you has gained weight. Even if you're tired. Even if you have to do it in the garage, because every other room in the house is filled with children.
7. Share the responsibilities - especially when it comes to the kids. Just because you worked all week doesn't mean Saturday is when you get to go f*ck off with your friends. Your wife worked all week too, unless she stays home and her kids are all in school full time, then she probably had ample down time, so knock yourself out.
8. Don't take someone's side over your spouse, not your parent, not your best friend, not your boss. That's your partner in crime. You can tell them how wrong they are later. For now, have their back.
9. Make yourself look pretty. All the time may not be realistic, but an hour before he/she comes home take a shower, throw something cute on, and brush your teeth. Do not greet them at the door looking like the troll that lives under the bridge.
10. Tell them you love them at some point every day. Even if you don't feel it at any point that particular day. You never know, it could be the last day you spend with them.
But Jess, you don't have a perfectly happy marriage right now. You know why? Because we aren't doing all of the above things right now. Not because we aren't "loving the other person loving me loving that he loves me while I'm loving him..."
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