I am so not the cool cucumber I usually am the week before delivery. This is the kind of anxiety I get the night before a flight, or right before a move. The only comfort is that I'm guessing a lot of it is my hormones run-a-muck, because all of the things keeping me up at night are things I've tackled before. Will baby be healthy? How will my other kids handle a new baby in the house? How am I going to fully recover from another c-section in 12 days? How will I handle being alone with this many kids for the next six months? How will I plan a move across country again with this size family? How will I budget for a family of six when we take a big pay cut this summer? How am I going to process all of this stress and emotion without irritating the hell out of everyone around me, especially since no one can relate? Is my body ever going to look the same again?
Not only is this nothing new, but I should be sort of a pro at it by now. I keep telling myself that just working hard and staying focused on what needs to be accomplished each week will be enough, and things will fall into place like they have in the past. I woke up at 3 AM worried about the girl's Valentine's for school. I was panicked and started looking online for Valentine's ideas because I'm afraid I'll drop the ball. As if #1 I'll be incapacitated, or #2 it's happening tomorrow? What a stupid thing to lose sleep over on January 28th. Nevertheless, in the middle of the night my heart starts pounding, and I start breathing faster, and I get up and pace the living room thinking about how I don't have enough lasagnas, and heart shaped paper cut-outs for 47 kids will take awhile.
Beneath all of the silly details and minor hurtles, my real fear is that things are changing quickly, and for the first time in my life I don't want them to. Normally I get antsy and welcome change, even drastic change. The only thing I'd change about my life right now is that the Sailor would live here with us instead of commuting. Even this house, with it's ugly kitchen and drafty master bedroom, is perfect for my family right now. I'm almost completely content for the first time in my life. Actually, there are two things I'd change; I honestly want to cry when I see myself in the mirror. I'd fast forward 3 months to when I look human again. I appreciate the compliments everyone has given, and I promise I'm not fishing for more. Anyone that's been 9 months pregnant, especially for a 3rd time, can relate. I have a new respect for those women that are pregnant until 41/42 weeks. I'm on the verge of tears every hour I'm still pregnant at this point, even my husband's t-shirts are tight around the belly now, and I'll be 39 weeks on Friday.
Beneath all of the silly details and minor hurtles, my real fear is that things are changing quickly, and for the first time in my life I don't want them to. Normally I get antsy and welcome change, even drastic change. The only thing I'd change about my life right now is that the Sailor would live here with us instead of commuting. Even this house, with it's ugly kitchen and drafty master bedroom, is perfect for my family right now. I'm almost completely content for the first time in my life. Actually, there are two things I'd change; I honestly want to cry when I see myself in the mirror. I'd fast forward 3 months to when I look human again. I appreciate the compliments everyone has given, and I promise I'm not fishing for more. Anyone that's been 9 months pregnant, especially for a 3rd time, can relate. I have a new respect for those women that are pregnant until 41/42 weeks. I'm on the verge of tears every hour I'm still pregnant at this point, even my husband's t-shirts are tight around the belly now, and I'll be 39 weeks on Friday.
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2 comments:
You are the most beautiful pregnant women, even at 39 weeks! I'm 100% certain that you will have your body back as fast as you always have after baby, which i totally can not figure out how you look so amazing in just 2 weeks. I totally can relate with the anxiety. Take all of those thoughts 1 at a time. You will have a beautiful, happy healthy baby girl in just a few days. Those 6 months until B is back will fly by. I wish we were closer to give helping hand.
You are amazing!!! Seriously, like a super woman. You have come so far already, I know you will do so well even with another added addition to the family. The unknown is a scary thing, but you have done so well with so many unknowns, I have NO DOUBT you will continue to do amazing! <3 <3 Thinking of you. Can't wait to see Margo, you make such beautiful babies!
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